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Mrs Cameron had told Angus that at one time the two properties had shared a gardener, and the potting shed had been built on their side of the wall because it had a sunnier aspect. I spent a good half hour digging out the door, and had to oil the old hinges before I could eventually prise it open. Now I had somewhere to keep my gardening tools that I could access from both gardens, but the old potting shed had potential in other areas. I spent most of a wet afternoon clearing away the cobwebs and giving the wooden floor boards a good brush. There was a long wooden work bench against one wall, a couple of wickerwork armchairs and out in the area below the glass, there was a rather grubby white two seater leather sofa. A small pot belly stove had been installed in a corner and the property was really quite dry. There were a few very dusty empty beer bottles on a shelf, and I suppose it must have been a welcome hideaway for the gardener at some point in the past. I was quite pleased. “I know.”We had long since finished two cups of coffee each. We got up and began walking back to the house. I took Pia’s hand, and she didn’t resist. We got back to the house and went to my room and sat on the bed cross-legged, facing each other.“How do we figure this out?” I asked.“I don’t know. It’s complicated. But I think everything is complicated with you.”“That’s for sure,” I said with a weak smile.“What do YOU want?” Pia asked.“I have the same problem that you do. I don’t know. I’ve been searching for a couple of years, but I don’t even know for sure what I’m searching for.”“Then how can you know when you find it?”“That’s part of my search. To figure out how I can be the man I want to be — the husband and father I want to be. But that’s a long ways away. Before then I have so much to learn, so much to figure out! I guess the answer is that I’m searching for myself.”Was that it? Did I just answer my own question? That what I was searching for was myself? It made sense. I wasn’t.
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